


The Problem-Problem

by tellthrice



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Episode: s10e06 The Gang Misses the Boat, F/M, post-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 19:24:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13301601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tellthrice/pseuds/tellthrice
Summary: Who does that, bring a book to a bar?! Appalling. Whatever. War-and-Peace can’t nurse her beer much longer, and then it’s sweet, sweet freedom. Seriously, can’t she see everyone else has left?Dee clears her throat loudly. This bitch. Maybe some noisy cleanup and she’ll finally take the hint.On a slow Tuesday, Dee closes early, and tries not to think about her new problem. Her Charlie problem.





	The Problem-Problem

**Author's Note:**

> Standalone one-shot, for now. But I'm pretty sure I'll be continuing it soon.

**12:38 am**

**On a Wednesday**

* * *

 

It’s one of those slow, close-early nights: barely five customers in five hours. The last woman in even brought a BOOK. Who does that, bring a book to a bar?! Appalling. Everyone knows a book is a death knell for a good bar night. Who _wants_ to be the person who puts a gun to the head of a good night and shamelessly pulls the trigger? 

Whatever. War-and-Peace can’t nurse her beer much longer, and then it’s sweet, sweet freedom. Seriously, can’t she see everyone else has left? Dee clears her throat loudly. This bitch. Maybe some noisy cleanup and she’ll finally take the hint.

Dee tries the door to the back office and sighs. Dark and locked. Goddamnit. The rest of the gang must’ve seen that fuckin encyclopedia-sized volume and slinked off without saying goodbye. Honestly, though…unsurprising. If Dee had to guess, Dennis is at a bar, creepin; Charlie’s in the sewer, crab-hunting; Mac is at the gym (ok, 50/50 chance he’s doing a different gay thing); and Frank is chasing down new bargain hookers at whatever hooker store he gets his hookers from.

Normally, Dee would be pissed she’d been left all alone. Poor, hardworking Dee, scorned, ridiculed, tormented all day and left to close the bar by herself! Those fuckers probably had a good chuckle, thinking they’d disappear and stick the girl with the cleanup, _again_.

But you know what? Sometimes, DEE gets the last laugh. First of all, the spray-bottle bleach smell is really relaxing. Not that she’s Charlie or anything, but a girl can appreciate a good toxic whiff while she sprays listlessly towards the tables. And second, it’s good to have a moment to think. 

Because Dee Reynolds has a problem.

Ok, sure, she has a lot of problems. An alcohol problem, a terrible-twin problem, occasionally a crack problem…but those are STABLE. Managed! Mostly! (Sometimes!) Whatever, those are not the important problems. They’re low-key. Stale. Old. 

The _problem_ -problem is – that Dee has a new problem. 

It’s just this weird…thing. It’s embarrassing, ok.

But it’s undeniable. 

Kissing Charlie Kelly was the sexiest experience of Dee’s goddamn life.

UGH! It’s ridiculous just thinking about it!

It’s not like she wants to want Charlie. Dee is a classy gal. And Charlie eats LITERAL dirt. As a delicacy. He’s too short. He’s smelly. He sleeps in the same bed as her father(ish figure and goddamn does Dee need more therapy). 

But honestly sometimes (every time) Dee walks by her couch (where they kissed ohhh my god) her whole body does this weird heat-flash flashback thing. Suddenly her insides are squiggly and warm and she feels intellectually horrified and also, horny. In her heart.

No, no, no, no! It’s not a heart thing. It’s a sex thing. An ANNOYING sex thing. Charlie needs to take some responsibility. Because they didn’t even HAVE sex!! They _barely_ rounded third base, TWO MONTHS AGO, and yet, Dee is pretty sure Charlie RUINED HER.

For example, kissing is kissing. It’s good, Dee likes it, she’s cool, she’s good. But every guy she’s tried to bang post-Charlie, it’s been all like, woah, your lips feel kinda weird touching my lips and, uh, what is your tongue doing, exactly? Whereas with Charlie it was more like…a black hole of eternity has opened up between our mouths, and we have both tried a lot of drugs but this is better and also more addicting. Time is warping and your tongue is magical and _holy shit never stop_.

Charlie is not good at a _lot_ of things. But he is… a really, extraordinarily good kisser. Also finger-er. And weirdly Dee had never noticed before, but pretty muscular? And GODDAMNIT Dee needs to stop finding weird gross shit Charlie does sexy! It’s illogical AND gross AND completely insane! Last week, he licked blue paint off his lips and Dee stared at his blue tongue and thought about having her pussy licked blue. Which a) gross b) barely makes sense! And THEN he went to change a light bulb and she couldn’t stop looking at the freaking line of skin where his freaking t-shirt rode up! And then the word rode made her think about certain people riding certain…Goddamnit. UGH!!! Dennis is going to give her so much shit.

Why, with  _Charlie of all people_ , did it have to feel this good? Dee wishes she could've gone on living in happy ignorance. She never needed to know mouths could connect so perfectly. Or feel the tips of his fingers on her bare skin, firm and gentle and careful and determined, all at the same time. She really wishes she hadn't seen the tiny ring of hazel right around Charlie's pupils. Yeah, did you know that?! His eyes aren't just blue, no. They are MULTI-FREAKING-COLORED. Totally uncalled for! And her nose has kind of gone crazy, because up close, he doesn't even smell bad. It's like the first time she smoked weed, and that weird skunk smell suddenly got sweet and appetizing? It's like that - Charlie's dirt smell is, like, manly and hot, now. Well, the fresh sewer smell is still completely disgusting. And the cheese smell, yikes. But the regular dirty Charlie smell... it used to be rank, and now it's just _pleasantly unwashed, hint of sweat_. IT MAKES DEE THINK ABOUT SEX, OK?

She and Charlie have gone back to normal, which is  _good._ But sometimes she feels like...she just needs one more go. Just to prove to herself that either it wasn't THAT good, or it was, and all is lost, pretty much. Because she can't  _date_ Charlie, that would be totally impractical, but oh god does she want to do bad things with him. 

The door slams. Dee jumps, startled and looks around the bar. Oh, thank god. Book bitch is gone. Finally. Dee sprays her spray bottle upwards just to see the droplets fall. Also, because it's way more fun than actually cleaning. New rule: no sex thoughts.

No Charlie sex thoughts.

NO THOUGHTS!

 

Dee needs a new vibrator.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you SO much for reading! I've been enjoying fic for many years, but I haven't published anything since early high school, a long-ass time ago. 
> 
> If you'd like to encourage a new AO3-er, kudos and comments would be awesome! Seriously, I'm much more likely to continue if I know people are reading.
> 
> I'm reachable on tumblr as wolfwatcher. (And if you know any good chardee fic, ya girl needs RECS).


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